Moving on...

        So understandably I have had what you would call a rough month. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I've had some bumps in my life, but this seems to be completely outta the park. One second your happy to be with the ones you love and having a happy moment, and then the next your down and out, and don't want to do anything but sit and stare at a wall. I don't want to fight depression, because I don't think its good to push it aside, yet I don't want to be depressed because... well... its depressing! I haven't really cried since New Years, I want to, to get it out and over with, but I feel like I have cried so much, I don't have any tears left. I want to pick up... move on... start a new... unfortunately when you love someone a whoooole lot, you can't really do that. It pretty much sucks. I'm just not really even sure how to express what I'm feeling, even if I was asked. All I could say is... I miss her.. I miss her really, really, bad. The thing that really sucks, is that this will never, ever, go away. Its a new life, and I really don't like this new life. Nothing can ever be the same. I will never be the Jen I used to be. Nothing will ever be the same, the moon looks different, the sunset is different, the way the sun shine feels is different, the way it feels to laugh is different, life is not the same. It will never, ever be the same. This is a hard concept to get used to. A lifetime of this is a long, long time. 

         I think to myself that I wouldn't want Bobbi to feel this way if it were me who went, and it pulls me out of it for a minute or so ..and then it comes back. It comes back when something reminds me of her.... and everything reminds me of her. I'm not used to being this down. This sad. This is nothing like I've ever been through. Its truly unexplainable. I'd hoped that with some time I would see that things can go on without her, because they HAVE to go on with out her. Well, yeah thats true, but it doesn't take away the pain of her absents. Nothing anyone does, or says will take this terrible feeling away. You prepare, and think about your grandparents, or even your parents going before you do, you know its going to hurt really bad, but you mentally prepare yourself. But, there are people you aren't prepared to let go of so soon. Bobbi was one of those people I knew would be here when  we were old.

        Now I'm not writing all of this to get sympathy, or bring anyone down. Ugh! I don't want sympathy, I just need this as an outlet. For some reason when I get it out and down it helps .. some. I don't need anyone to check on me, or uplifting words, I'll be alright, I get great words from the Bible. It helps me the most. I just need to vent, and go on. Now maybe I can go tackle the laundry now, yuck!